Knots and whorls, pt. 1

There are things you don't need to see. Ben's picnic on the drive back to the city, his failed attempts to raise Julia's spirits. Julia's growing sense of discomfort and distaste pushing against her persistent desire to be loved, soothed, held. You don't need to see the sky sitting heavily upon Julia's eyes the whole rest of the day and into the next. Or the slowness nipping at her heels and slipping under her hair to whisper in her ear. You don't need to see her grandmother's face as she and Ben leave the apartment or her grandfather's face in her dreams. What you do need to see is the light almost effervescent in the air, the easy crush of people, the seemingly misplaced fervor turbidly milling about Central Park like the world was a Renaissance festival and each person a role-playing, fire-breathing scion of dream. What you need to see is the man with the smile like a cane.

Julia's head cleared somewhat with the thick summer sun. The summer's heat had been making her feel lazy even back in Boston, but now it was like she was emerging from some kind of hibernation. The heat felt crisp and new on her face and laying on the grass to soak in the sun seemed anything but a lazy pursuit. She grinned for a second and shook her hair back from her shoulders. Ben wrapped an arm around her. "Like the sun, do ya?" She didn't respond, but her eyes were alive with all the people whirling by her. Usually she didn't like crowds, even leaning towards the misanthropic, but it felt good to be part of such a bustling throng. "We're over there," Ben said, guiding her towards the rest of The Act. "We go on in an hour."

Julia watched them set up for awhile. It looked like a classic clown routine. She wasn't sure she understood what the point of this whole "Big Tent" affair was. Of course there was no actual tent enveloping the park, but the walks and greens were teeming with such an odd assortment of characters and costumes; some kind of feeling had settled that Julia did not recognize. Wandering, lost, in the "knots and whorls" (-Gaiman, Doll's House pt. V), Julia realized why it felt so odd. It wasn't some weekend retreat for 9-to-5ers. It was smack dab in the middle of the week, and this is what these people do for a living. The costumes were not facades but rather extensions of these people's imagination, their true perception of the world. Such perceptions had wrought themselves upon the whole park. It was like Julia had taken a big gasp of some other kind of life and it was slowly pervading the rest of her body. The only trace of normality was the blue line of port-o-potties standing along the margins.

The Act began. Apparently there was some kind of schedule to the seeming jumble, because people had gathered. There was a raised, circular curtain, night blue, surrounding their performance area. It dropped, of a sudden, and somehow burst into flame. The Act was already a flurry of movement, tripping over each other and tumbling to rise in mock anger and haste. Ben was standing, his back to the audience, directing the others. He was wearing big yellow overalls and his entire upper body was dusted white. He had the red mouth and nose and electric blue hair sticking out from a bald-capped head. The other clowns kept running into him, and he would yell at them and jump up and down, waving a roll of blue-white paper over his head. He even threw what looked like a very real hammer at one of them. The smallest Chinese brother got a pie in the face and offered a taste to the crowd near him. The cream danced on Julia's palate, and she wished she could have more, but the smallest of The Act had already moved on to push a pie into Ben's face.


Slowly, through all the activity of The Act, a structure was being erected. It was unclear where all the materials were coming from, but a foundation was evident. In a matter of moments, the structure had grown into an actual building, fifteen feet high and replete with windows and a door. Ben had gotten involved in the building, and once it was complete, he disappeared inside. The crowd could see him through the windows, climbing to the top. Julia was flabbergasted at the audacity of such an endeavor. Who would dare climb something put together so haphazardly? Even as she thought this, Ben made a misstep and fell back to the bottom of the building. His flailing limbs ripped out a board near the base. Julia knew it was all affected, but she couldn't help being put out at Ben's going to such lengths simply to put on a better show. She could just hear his retort, "It's all about the show, Jules! What else is there?" She shook her head as he burst from the building, yelling in gibberish at the rest of the troupe. Then he quailed, seeing three of them were carrying a giant pie jumping with flames.

With a squawk, Ben fled back into the building and resumed his climb. The pie, directed at the transgressions of one of the other members of The Act, ended up smearing the building's base. The wooden supports caught fire, and seeing this Ben climbed all the more quickly. Reaching the top, he shook his fists at his troupe mates below and again yelled at them in gibberish. They yammered back at him and, after falling over each other for good measure, they brought out mock fire extinguishers and sprayed each other. Screaming at their incompetence, Ben looked down on the flames. Finally, the rest of The Act grabbed a kind of net to catch him. It looked almost like a trampoline. Julia wondered if he would catapult himself up and over the crowd. Then he jumped. He seemed to hang in the air forever, his arms extended as if to embrace the ground. His troupe mates ran this way and that in anticipation of his landing. Ben did a slow turn in the air. Julia saw his eyes closed and his brow wrinkled in concentration. In a heartbeat, she knew they weren't going to catch him.


He hit the ground with a sickening thud and lay motionless. The rest of The Act looked back at him in surprise. They dropped their net. There was no more false bickering or hijinx. They just stared at their fallen member. The crowd was silent, as still as the body on the ground. No one could survive that fall unharmed, and yet he looked like he was sleeping. The Act moved toward him. The smallest Chinese brother retrieved a cell phone and began dialing it, presumably for an ambulance. And then Ben sprang to his feet! The crowd burst into applause. Julia felt faint. Her ankle was throbbing. As The Act took their bows and then began to indivually address members of the audience they knew, receiving congratulations, Julia stood there fuming. Ben was shaking hands, still the center of attention, beaming. He smiled over the crowd at Julia. She clenched her fists and tried to calm her breathing. He could've killed himself! She didn't like worrying like this. She didn't like being stirred to such violent emotion. She turned from his smile and stalked into the crowd. She couldn't talk to him now. She had to get out of this place. Get out of this upside down atmosphere.