It's Not Easy

It was raining on the drive down to New York. Ben talked endlessly of his adventures touring with The Act and Julia was content to listen for the most part. He had always been like this. It never seemed he was uncomfortable with silence, but rather that he was worried Julia would be uncomfortable. Julia knew he wasn't a stranger to long streams of pensiveness. When they had dated, they had spent a lot of time without talking. She thought it was because he hadn't felt the need to fill the moments for her anymore. Like his presence could do that since they were dating. But she had felt uncomfortable at the change. It had changed how she saw their friendship, and it had felt like an acknowledgment, a quiet fatalism. Whenever Ben lapsed into silence now, Julia didn't notice right away, her thoughts trailing off like the rain on the windows. She filled these moments with quiet anecdotes or descriptions of Boston and Amherst, her family and dorm life, a cat she had watched for an entire afternoon bathing in the sun, a party she had felt uncomfortable at (there were a lot of those, but the stories were all the same).

It was nice, though, driving with Ben. And it was nice heading for New York. It finally felt like her summer was taking a direction. Things were falling into place. She didn't really know what would happen after New York. She certainly wasn't planning on spending the summer there. She had thought to do a little traveling with Carl, but now that she was with Ben instead that picture changed. It wasn't a worrying change though. Carl was often sporadic, enthusiastic in one direction until he all of a sudden decided to change course. Ben was much more steady. It struck Julia as a little odd that it felt so easy after the kind of interval they'd had. Since separating, they had only interacted over the phone or through the occasional e-mail. It had been his suggestion, breaking up, but Julia had felt implicated in that suggestion. Now Ben had slipped effortlessly into their old patterns of friendship. Julia felt too comfortable, too relieved at the comfort, to question it. As they moved on, she quietly drifted to sleep. When she woke, the rest of her muscles were stiff from sleeping in the car, but her ankle felt better. She reached down to touch it lightly and smiled up at Ben. "Feels better." He grinned at her and said, "Almost to New York. Your consciousness is as timely as ever." "Sorry I fell asleep. You were in the middle of a story, weren't you?" "That's okay, I'm always kind of in the middle of a story. It's like dropping a call on the cell phone. Sometimes you're not sure when the other party has dropped off, so you just keep talking. It's no one's fault, just a change in reception."

Julia's head was a little muddled as they entered the city, dull from sleep. Ben needed no directions. When they'd been together two years ago, they'd spent half the summer in New York. Julia's grandma's building wasn't in the city proper, so traffic wasn't a big problem. They arrived just after 4 pm. The building looked normal enough, but the lines didn't seem straight. It always reminded Julia of a parallelogram somehow, or a trapezoid. Julia's grandma came down to meet them and greeted Julia with a kiss on the cheek. She gave Ben a strong hug and then wagged her finger at him. "Now, what's my name, young Starky?" "Hi, Alice," said Ben, flashing his usual stunning smile. Julia paused in the street as Ben and her grandma dipped into a familiar pattern of banter and conversation. Julia felt like wrapping her arms around herself. Ben's smile had somehow reminded her of her Greyhound acquaintance John. Perhaps it had been the winning air it exuded. Ben's teeth were smaller, a facet of his smile, where John's had been the entirety of his smile, as if he had crafted them them specifically for that purpose.

Ben came running back. "Sorry, Jules. Thought you were right there. Ankle bothering you again?" "No, just tired," Julia said.

In the apartment, Alice interrogated Julia on her life. She asked about classes, potential grad schools, boys, work. Ben laughed at her questions about boys. Julia did her best to fend her grandma off. "I can't believe you just left your job," Alic said. "Life doesn't pay for itself, Julia." "I know grandma. I'm going to try to work extra hours in the Fall. I might help Professor Faber with some translations." "I don't know what you're doing with your life, Julia. You talk about all these things, but you're not going anywhere. You're just treading water as far as I'm concerned." "Jeez, grandma--" "Oh, here's Barry. Barry, tell the girl."

Julia's grandparents had gotten divorced six years ago. Barry had moved in with Alice two years ago. Barry didn't seem to move. He just stood places. Standing in the door, he took off his hat and his coat slowly. Looking at him it would've been hard to tell it was summer. He carried a cane, but Julia could never picture him using it.

"Oh, you do go on, Alice. Let the girl alone. Let me alone. I just got in and already you're starting. What's she on about this time, dear? You're not getting A pluses in all your classes? You're not taking eighteen credits with ten extra-curriculars? You haven't met a nice young man who's marriage material? Give it a rest, hon. The girl's not yet twenty-one and you're down her throat to be a woman already. She'll get there. Time grows on trees if you let it, hon. Just let it. Let her. It's so nice to see you, Julia."

Julia liked Barry. She kissed him on the cheek and said, "Hi, Bartleby." Julia didn't use nicknames much, but had taken so much to the old man that she had simply fallen into it one day. Barry had never gone out of his way to gain Julia or Carl's favor, but he always stuck up for Julia. She was, perhaps, the granddaughter he'd never had. Julia had only met Barry's family once or twice, but she was always surprised that they were related to this gentle old man. His grandsons were all noisy and obnoxious and the general jock type. They were invariably the kind of boys who would run up to flirt with Julia before running back to their never ending football games.

Dinner was less querulous. Ben filled the warm air with his characteristic arc of anecdotes and thoughts, all very suitable for a dinner table. They talked about China and President Bush and the Haruki Murakami novel South of the Border, West of the Sun. The dining table was just removed from the kitchen. Julia thought the light was more like candle-light and, though the window was not open, she thought it might be. Julia was pleasantly conscious of it being summer, which made her drowsy.

Washing the dishes was usually Julia's job when she was visiting, but Alice had waved her off and was whistling contentedly swaying at the sink. Julia sat nearby on a bar stool. The men had went off to another room, Ben explaining the physics of juggling. Julia thought about shifting uncomfortably but decided against it. Instead she just sat there uncomfortably. After awhile watching her grandma work, she said, "How's Grandpa?" "Oh, the obligatory question. Usually you wait longer to ask. You know I would normally tell you he's fine and you can go see him yourself." Here she stopped and looked up at Julia. Julia's grandfather was not fine. He had been battling Alzheimer's for a year. "You should really go see him. That man." She shook her head and resumed washing. "He gets worse and worse everyday, and he refuses to do anything about it. I wish you would go talk some sense into him. He barely listens to me, and I can't be his guiding light anymore anyway."

Julia watched her grandma until she was done. Alice then went to the fridge and brought out two pieces of raspberry pie. She swung herself onto a stool and pushed one Julia's way. "So you're running around with Ben again?" she said. "Can we not start with that?" said Julia. "I didn't even know he was on this side of the country until Carl pushed him on me. He's just helping me get around." "What's wrong with Ben? I always liked him. I don't see why you two couldn't work things out." Julia ate her pie in small, bird-like forkfuls. She barely tasted it, so she was surprised to look down and find half of it gone already. "It just didn't make sense, Grandma. There were too many factors." "Too many factors? What does that mean? What's so hard? You're both attractive young people and you get along with each other. What else is there?'' "You make it sound so utilitarian." "Oh, Julia. You always think too much about these things. Everything will come if you just let it. You're too young to worry like you do." "Now you sound like Barry." "Forget what I said," Alice said, grinning. "I wouldn't want to be like Barry. Of course it's not that easy, but it shouldn't get you all nervous like this. You look like the air on a hot day, Julia, all wavering and limp and sometimes you see things that aren't actually there. You need a toehold. Ben could be your toehold. Or not Ben. Just something to hold on to. I feel like you're going to disappear. You don't want to evaporate when the hot day turns cold." "I don't think that's how that works." "You understand what I'm saying. Look at your grandfather. No toeholds. Nothing to hold onto so he can't hold onto anything. All his memories, his entire life, just fading away."

Julia looked at her grandma. Alice was shaking ever so slightly, like a leaf in the wind or the rain. Julia didn't think she was upset. The shaking was more like a rocking, sped up to look like a series of quick movements rather than one long, back-and-forth movement.

"You think he wanted this?" "He certainly wasn't above forgetting before. I can only assume this is an extension of his regular personality traits. You don't forget things that are important to you. You don't forget if your memories mean something."

Julia wanted to tell her grandma that it wasn't something that could have been prevented, that her ex-husband was sick, but she knew her grandma had been over it and over it again. Alice had accompanied her ex-husband to all the doctor's appointments and helped him get into the convalescent home he now lived in. Julia knew her grandma understood what was happening on a rational level, but it was unsettling to see her grandma through the parts of her that were not rational. Instead of telling her grandma any of the many things running through her head, Julia said, "I'm sorry, Grandma."

"He didn't remember me today. Didn't remember he had a wife. Didn't remember my name."

"Oh. Grandma." Julia wanted to say she was sorry again but thought the repetition would sound silly.

At the tone in Julia's voice, Alice's eyes came into focus and she said, "Oh, don't worry about it dear. What did I say about worrying? Where are the boys? It's almost time for Jeopardy." As they left the kitchen, Alice gave Julia a large, reassuring hug. "It's so nice to see you, dear," she said.

Julia smiled as they entered the living room. Ben stood in the middle of the room, juggling the remote, a small cushion, and Barry's keys. Barry was cheering him on. It was nice to be able to count on some things. Alice and Barry retired to their room to watch Jeopardy and Julia and Ben decided to watch a movie. As they were watching, Julia found Ben's arm around her. She didn't react at first, but then she pushed closer to him and rested her head in the crook of his arm. He leaned towards her and she heard him inhale deeply. He breathed out and she felt him shudder. They sat like this for awhile. Ben shifted to reach something, having to first pull his arm back from Julia. Shifting back, he looked at her and said, "Is this okay?" She nodded, but something exploded in the movie and they both turned back to watch. Ben's hand lay on the couch next to her and Julia thought about touching it, but she didn't. Eventually, he moved his hands to his lap.

When the movie finished, Julia kissed Ben on the cheek and told him she was going to sleep. Lying in the guest room, Julia couldn't get to sleep. Ben had already fallen asleep in the living room, and she could almost feel his snores through the walls. He didn't always snore. In fact, he had never snored when she was in the same room as him. It was as if he knew. Unable to sleep, she thought about the previous night in Carl's apartment. She and Ben had shared the pull-out couch. After a large dinner and a few hours of talking, Carl and Lindsay had closed themselves into the bedroom. Julia felt the silence creeping upon her and Ben as soon as they were alone, but he had filled the moment with bustling movement toward sleep. She followed. By the time she had changed and brushed her teeth, he was sprawled across the pull-out, making it look tiny. She struggled under the covers, trying not to wake him but at the same time trying to get his offending arm and leg onto his side of the bed.

She didn't have the easiest time getting to sleep. She'd never been very conscious of Ben sleeping when they'd dated. They were both solid sleepers and had generally drifted off around the same time. That night at Carl's though, Julia felt engulfed in his presence. She could smell the faint scent of pine needles and sweat Ben exuded. She could hear his even breathing and became very aware of his warmth mingling with hers under the blanket. His presence soothed her. She didn't feel anxious at all about being attracted to him. He was, after all, asleep. She didn't touch him that night, nor did she want to. Rather, she was content to lie next to him, just to have him there. She dreamed about him, though, and in the dream he was awake. They were lying similarly to the way they were in the pull-out, only he was facing her and staring into her eyes. She looked away from him, afraid to meet his glance. In the dream, she was upset. She felt like throwing up, felt like throwing off the covers, and yet she didn't move. She just let him stare at her, and his gaze was hypnotizing. He reached out to touch her face and they became water birds, storks. They flew and their shadow was cast on what seemed like the sky. It turned out to be a reflection, though it was unclear whether it was the sky reflected on a body of water or if it was a painted simulacrum of the sky on a vertical surface. The two birds merged so that there was only one bird and one shadow, and it dipped to touch the reflected surface. It's beak broke the surface and the water rippled back into place like mercury. The bird burst into a thousand pieces of paper, all a different color, and as the paper faded towards their shadows they became so small that they looked like they were white. As Julia woke, the dream was an expanse of nothing but clouds cast upon a baby blue surface. She woke and found that she was holding Ben, cradled to his side with one arm across his chest. She pushed her head into his chest and kissed his cool skin. He opened his eyes and she propped herself up to look into his face. She leaned over him and touched his lips with her own. The kiss was soft and chaste and Julia then moved back to lie against his side, but her heart was pounding with the possible implications and she could feel his heart pounding too.

In her grandma's guest room, Julia tried to sleep, but again she had difficulty. She thought about going out into the living room, but she felt too good about how things had been going. Besides, if she went out there, Ben might keep snoring. Or, worse still, he might stop snoring. Julia contented herself thinking about which would be worse and eventually she fell fast asleep.